happy december seventeenth!

it is now officially christmas break for the austin family!

jeremiah and i are in the process of family hopping...nc to texas to nc again.

it's definitely the best time of year.

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on a different note, today has been filled with thoughts on weight...my body weight to be exact.

what brought this on?

jean shopping.

do i want to sound like a stereotypical girl right now? no.

but, really, shopping for things like jeans can bring out this most stereotypical worry for any girl.

[as can other things, like eating (while other people are refraining) and exercising (when you are not the one doing it].

i am pretty okay with my body, but i do have my own worries and insecurities about it.

i have accepted the fact that i will never be a size 2 or anywhere close to a 110 pounds ever again.

i could probably tailor my diet and exercise routine enough to get somewhere close to those numbers but, in all honesty, i have no desire (zero) to put that much worry and obsession (as i know it would become for me) into something.

it would have absolutely nothing to do with my health.

and that's where the issue lies.

health.

the only reason i want to care about my body weight is because i care about my health.

not because i care about what i look like in a swimsuit or in a pair jeans.

yes, i want to look pretty.

but i want to be okay if i can't fit into a skinny pair of jeans because i have thighs and a behind that make jeans that hug my ankles look ridiculous.

or that i can't wear a certain cut of a dress because i have a chest and a behind, once again, and would end up looking falsely pregnant rather than fashionable. 

i want to watch how much sugar i intake or the amount of food i eat at a meal or how much i exercise a week because i care about my overall health.

because when i am 80 i want to be able to touch my toes and go for long walks and do yoga.

 i am sick, sick, sick of comparing myself and beating up myself and not appreciating what i do have.

i can't do this for the rest of my life.

i can't play this game with other girls.

i just cannot stand to think of dealing constantly with this issue of weight for the rest of my life but i know i will. 

but in the midst of the struggle, i am determined to fight a few things.

number one being the self-condemning and body-analyzing talk, especially with other ladies.

i want to be able to admit my flaws or a goal i may have, but all in a healthy, positive manner. 

that's it.

not easy but simple.

there is so much more i could write about this but my train of thought has left me and i feel pretty relieved by what i have written already.

i don't want to sound like i am coming down on people who do work really hard at having a well-oiled machine of a body.

it's impressive.

but it's not me.

 and i am learning to be okay with that.